July 13, 2017 Thursday
Hi blog! You will serve as my daily diary, ok?
Do you know I love to sing? I’m not really a singer but I can say I have a little talent when it comes to singing. After all, I was a choir member in church and school and also a backup singer in church. You wanna hear it? I can make a recording but you won’t be able to hear it.
I dreamed to become a singer someday. No, not the one that sings in concert and have albums. I want to be part of a musical theater, even just a small role is okay. I just wanna sing while telling a story with other actors and actress. I want to be like Leah Salonga. I can’t dance much too but I can do bellydancing. My hips are a bit flexible, I dont know why. I can’t show it to you since you have no eyes and you can’t probably appreciate it.
Today, I decided to just write and publish here. No more novel updates blog. I want to encourage myself. No one can save someone who don’t want to be saved and that’s exactly what I’m feeling. I can’t accept their kindness if I can only see it as a pity me or poor me. They tried their best to lift me up, the least that I can do is to convince myself and encourage myself.
Hey, do you know I also know how to draw? It is elementary level though, and I can’t make the eyes perfect nor with the hand but I know I’ll get better…..someday.
Also, just a little fact, there was never been any girlfriend who became jealous whenever I’m with their boyfriends. I guess they cannot see me as a threat and they trust their lovers too much. And if ever someone tried to link me to any male specie, it never became a gossip or rumor because it died naturally even before it starts. I am really fortunate that I am what the worldly standards called ugly. Less hasle, less problems and no complicated life.
You wanna know why I distrust people? Since no one asks and you have no choice, I’m gonna tell you.
I grew up in a small apartment in a subdivision so all the children play in the court near our church. My church friends are my childhood friends and we grew up together until I was seven because my family moved to a much better subdivision and this time we owned the house. We still go to the same church because it’s just a 20-30 minute walk from home. My friends are all guys 1-2 years younger than me because the girls are sooo girly with their funny pigtails with ribbons and pink flowers and I just can’t stand that.
Everything was okay. The guys and I are inseparable, wherever one goes, the other will follow. We often play in the field, in the basketball court or sometimes in the street. Everyone is playing together until my friend and his family migrated to canada. We rarely talk, just exchange a few emails and it just stop. We were friends on facebook before but I never really had a conversation with him. I tried to send him a message since I saw him post a few minutes ago but he never return my message. It’s still okay. His sister said he’s busy with school, okay. He acted like he didn’t know me so I removed him and his family members on my friend list. He will never notice that I’m sure. It’s still okay, I still have my other childhood friends. The praise and worship team needs new back up singers and train them to be the worship leader someday. I auditioned and I passed. Since the other instrumentalist and singers are the people I grew up with I feel okay. But they are always grouping, talking something I can’t relate and I started to feel left out. Slowly, they are becoming strangers in my eyes evern my guy friends. Of course, everyone is growing and their interest change, I always tell that to myself. The whole team often plan a trip except, I’m not part of the plan. My house is a few minutes away and they told me the next time they see me that I should come along. I don’t know if I want to laugh or get mad cause, seriously dude, you have a car, my house is near and you can’t drive to my house to invite me? Haha.
I started to feel unwelcome, I have a different sets of friend that is also a friend of the whole team. It was fine, they are funny to be with until there was an incident where the elders of the church suspended most of our instrumentalist. I actually have no idea and I’ve been attending the practice every saturday. That time, me and two of my other friends are working part time. I accidentally heard them talking about the suspension. I tried to ask what is it about but they never told me. The other even shush her, I didn’t pry much but deep down I was hurt. I am part of the team but I am the last to know. Do they ever consider me as part ot the worship team? That was my question to myself. Saturday came, time for practice. The worship leader decided to discuss the incident that was first time in my ears to hear. It’s because some of our instrumentalist drank alcohol in one of their house. So that was the issue, the people outside the team get to know it first. My feelings of being okay wobbles. I started to become indifferent and distant but no one seems to notice. I eventually quit the team, they express sadness and try to convince me not to quit. Why would I stay in a group that doesn’t see me as part of it. Maybe I’m not really a likeable person? Maybe I have a trash attitude that put people off. Why didn’t they help me if I do have a shitty personality? They are a church right? Well, they are a saint inside the church but they succumb to worldly call right away. Gossiping about different church members.
Anyway, I didn’t stay in that church too. I’m not even going to church anymore. I know there’s no perfect church nor perfect people. We do shits all the time, we stumble and fall. But the after effect of the people that causes of your fall leaves scars and pain that only time will tell when it will heal completely.
Right now I’m so broken into pieces, I’m lost and I don’t know what to do. Hopefully I can get answeres to this before I die.
That was one long gloomy talk. Let’s talk about something else. You see, I never had any relationship. It means I’m single since birth, haha I know, I should be inside the glass cage in the museum already since it’s so rare to have a single since birth at the age of 27 lol. Ever since I was 15, I always tell that I don’t want to marry and I plan to be single until death. They always say I might eat my words someday if I meet the one. Meh, I told myself that if I never got a boyfriend at the age of 25 I will devote myself as single for life. I said that when I was 24 XD. I can’t stand having any physical contact to any male species (except kids) I don’t know why…like I suddenly become opposite of myself in some ways.o.O?