Hi again blog!

July 13, 2017 Thursday

Hi blog! You will serve as my daily diary, ok? 

Do you know I love to sing? I’m not really a singer but I can say I have a little talent when it comes to singing. After all, I was a choir member in church and school and also a backup singer in church. You wanna hear it? I can make a recording but you won’t be able to hear it. 

I dreamed to become a singer someday. No, not the one that sings in concert and have albums. I want to be part of a musical theater, even just a small role is okay. I just wanna sing while telling a story with other actors and actress. I want to be like Leah Salonga. I can’t dance much too but I can do bellydancing. My hips are a bit flexible, I dont know why. I can’t show it to you since you have no eyes and you can’t probably appreciate it.
Today, I decided to just write and publish here. No more novel updates blog. I want to encourage myself. No one can save someone who don’t want to be saved and that’s exactly what I’m feeling. I can’t accept their kindness if I can only see it as a pity me or poor me. They tried their best to lift me up, the least that I can do is to convince myself and encourage myself.

Hey, do you know I also know how to draw? It is elementary level though, and I can’t make the eyes perfect nor with the hand but I know I’ll get better…..someday.

Also, just a little fact, there was never been any girlfriend who became jealous whenever I’m with their boyfriends. I guess they cannot see me as a threat and they trust their lovers too much. And if ever someone tried to link me to any male specie, it never became a gossip or rumor because it died naturally even before it starts. I am really fortunate that I am what the worldly standards called ugly. Less hasle, less problems and no complicated life.

You wanna know why I distrust people? Since no one asks and you have no choice, I’m gonna tell you. 

I grew up in a small apartment in a subdivision so all the children play in the court near our church. My church friends are my childhood friends and we grew up together until I was seven because my family moved to a much better subdivision and this time we owned the house. We still go to the same church because it’s just a 20-30 minute walk from home. My friends are all guys 1-2 years younger than me because the girls are sooo girly with their funny pigtails with ribbons and pink flowers and I just can’t stand that.

Everything was okay. The guys and I are inseparable, wherever one goes, the other will follow. We often play in the field, in the basketball court or sometimes in the street. Everyone is playing together until my friend and his family migrated to canada. We rarely talk, just exchange a few emails and it just stop. We were friends on facebook before but I never really had a conversation with him. I tried to send him a message since I saw him post a few minutes ago but he never return my message. It’s still okay. His sister said he’s busy with school, okay. He acted like he didn’t know me so I removed him and his family members on my friend list. He will never notice that I’m sure. It’s still okay, I still have my other childhood friends. The praise and worship team needs new back up singers and train them to be the worship leader someday. I auditioned and I passed. Since the other instrumentalist and singers are the people I grew up with I feel okay. But they are always grouping, talking something I can’t relate and I started to feel left out. Slowly, they are becoming strangers in my eyes evern my guy friends. Of course, everyone is growing and their interest change, I always tell that to myself. The whole team often plan a trip except, I’m not part of the plan. My house is a few minutes away and they told me the next time they see me that I should come along. I don’t know if I want to laugh or get mad cause, seriously dude, you have a car, my house is near and you can’t drive to my house to invite me? Haha.

I started to feel unwelcome, I have a different sets of friend that is also a friend of the whole team. It was fine, they are funny to be with until there was an incident where the elders of the church suspended most of our instrumentalist. I actually have no idea and I’ve been attending the practice every saturday. That time, me and two of my other friends are working part time. I accidentally heard them talking about the suspension. I tried to ask what is it about but they never told me. The other even shush her, I didn’t pry much but deep down I was hurt. I am part of the team but I am the last to know. Do they ever consider me as part ot the worship team? That was my question to myself. Saturday came, time for practice. The worship leader decided to discuss the incident that was first time in my ears to hear. It’s because some of our instrumentalist drank alcohol in one of their house. So that was the issue, the people outside the team get to know it first. My feelings of being okay wobbles. I started to become indifferent and distant but no one seems to notice. I eventually quit the team, they express sadness and try to convince me not to quit. Why would I stay in a group that doesn’t see me as part of it. Maybe I’m not really a likeable person? Maybe I have a trash attitude that put people off. Why didn’t they help me if I do have a shitty personality? They are a church right? Well, they are a saint inside the church but they succumb to worldly call right away. Gossiping about different church members.

Anyway, I didn’t stay in that church too. I’m not even going to church anymore. I know there’s no perfect church nor perfect people. We do shits all the time, we stumble and fall. But the after effect of the people that causes of your fall leaves scars and pain that only time will tell when it will heal completely. 

Right now I’m so broken into pieces, I’m lost and I don’t know what to do. Hopefully I can get answeres to this before I die.

That was one long gloomy talk. Let’s talk about something else. You see, I never had any relationship. It means I’m single since birth, haha I know, I should be inside the glass cage in the museum already since it’s so rare to have a single since birth at the age of 27 lol. Ever since I was 15, I always tell that I don’t want to marry and I plan to be single until death. They always say I might eat my words someday if I meet the one. Meh, I told myself that if I never got a boyfriend at the age of 25 I will devote myself as single for life. I said that when I was 24 XD. I can’t stand having any physical contact to any male species (except kids) I don’t know why…like I suddenly become opposite of myself in some ways.o.O?

Hi blog..

I tried posting blogs on novel update and surprisingly there are quite few people who reply and read it. They tried to comfort and encourge me but I can’t bring myself be positive about it. I feel like I am so desperate for an attention, for someone to notice me but all they have for me is pity. I am pitiful, and I feel stupid. 

I don’t want other people to pity me, or sympathize. Even though they sound genuine, I still feel it’s just a pretense. I can’t bring myself to trust them. Haha I’m truly hopeless. Whenever I posted my thoughts and feelings there, I feel like I’m begging for some attention. I’m not an attention whore and I don’t want to be the centter of attention either. But I just want someone to notice and talk to me even without those blogs or posts, someone who truly wish to be my friend for life. Someone who’s willing to patiently tear the walls I’ve built up. Someone who’s willing to see me as me not just some depressed and pitiable person living on this planet.

Sorry if I’m not interesting enough to pique your curiosity. I wanna be friend one of the user there that always gives me advices but we only communicate when I post some blogs or message me to give me advice. We never had a friendly chat because I don’t know if he would be interested to be my friend. 

I’d rather post here. Without holding back, I can say whatever I wanted. No one to tell me to post something positive because I’m positive they will never find this and no one would be able to read this. Its lonely, I know but I think there’s more freedom here.

Please don’t take my sunshine away

People build defense mechanism to protect themselves for the possibility of being hurt. Often times people around misunderstood and judge them making things more difficult for them. But has anyone tried to understand and ask why they are like that?
I always isolate myself from the rest. I have less friends, spending most of my time inside my room either reading or watching on laptop or my phone. Why should I bother myself with the people I considered someone I just know or an old acquaintance. We never really share any common ground to be friends in the first place.
During my last days in a winter camp as an esl educator, one of my co-teacher jokingly said maybe I was too hurt before that’s why I have trust issues and a lot of insecurities. My friend defensively said I was never been in a relationship so how would I get hurt. I just sat there quietly then smile never confirming anything.
Which scenario gives more pain? A death of a relative or a betrayal of your most trusted friends? Probably both. But the latter makes me doubt everyone, I feel like I’ll never fit in or no sense of belongness to everyone. 
It’s my fault. The wall I’ve built to keep everyone out is not decreasing but increasing in a slow steady pace. The hurt, the pain I’m feeling, everything is my fault because I assume, that when I treat them like this I expect them to treat me the same. Because of my expectation, I’m hurting. Because I expect too much, I started having trust issues and insecurities. 
I become grumpy, moody and pessimist. I become someone I can’t recognize anymore. I miss the old me, when the sunshine was still inside me but they took it away and now I’m empty.

Strangers

I recently created an account in Noveupdates. Actualy, I created the account late 2016 but fir some reason I totally forgot I have an acct there until yesterday. 

I am currently active posting ang commenting to people’s posts that I just met. They are super fun to talk to and a little hyper, I can’t help but to give the same enthusiasm as they give but it’s tiring. Soon, I will revert back to my original gloomy personality and dispalying dipressing and dark thoughts that would surely have them avoid me. 

It’s funny how I find comfort with the bunch of strangers than those people I know, may it be friends or relatives. Maybe because those people behind their computer screen or mobile phones in different parts of the world doesn’t know anything fact about you and you can give a bubbly façade and you know they won’t give a damn about you.

Qidian and wuxia world

It’s so sad that the two companies are not in good terms now. What’s more saddening is qidian now prohibits some of the novels under their publication to be translated freely by the fans which means the translators completely dropped the novel before qidian sue them for copyrights.

Some of the chinese novels under qidian are the ones that I truly like. Hidden Marriage is one of them, timebun announced that she will no longer translate the novel due to the qidian and ww conflict that might result in court. I just wish it won’t happen but capitalism is so sad.

I’m just thankful that Poison Genius Consort is under a different publication else it will also stop.

Reading influences me

It’s funny now that I noticed, I’ve been reading chinese novels since the last quarter of last year. As I read a lot of CNs it slowly affect my english, though I gained some wisdom and chinese proverbs, I can see some changes on how I construct my sentences in english sometimes.

There are some unfamiliar words to me which also helps me to expand my vocabs but to use it in a modern way of construting sentence, I’m not sure. Since most of the chinese novels that I’m reading is set in historical or ancient china, thier way of speaking is of course ancient. Its fun to learn it that way and when you use it to talk to your friends they would just stare at you for a moment trying to digest what you’ve just said.

So now, I’m reading a normal english books to get me back on track :p

I like horror stories so Apryl Baker’s “The Ghost Files” is one of the stories I’ve been reading again and again. Also Janae Mitchell’s horror stories are highly recommended too especially her work “Your worst fear”. Janae has a lot of short horror stories that will keep you on edge, well atleast for me but I’m not sure for others.

Well, now I know how much books and stories influences me.

Irregular Student

Back in 2010, the first time I enrolled in the state university in our area but I only completed a semester, after that I started working in a BPO company to support our household.

Back then I was a regular student but our relationship with the irregular students are good and we are on friendly terms. We sometimes eat together, we call them to hangout if they have time. We made sure they don’t feel awkward if the situation needs a grouping. The time back then was more warm and welcoming than today.

After more than 6 years of working, I decided to continue and pursue studying because the government is implementing k12, means that in the future, people have to go back to grade 11 and 12 and have a certificate from senior high before entering college. I decided to study now. Since I have long decided to change course from computer science to education, I enrolled most of my subjects with the educ students. I truely regretted that decision, I never felt so alone and unwelcomed. We are almost 30 in class and I can only hangout with one person, she, like me is an irregular student too. 

It’s a block section what do you expect. This I understand, they’ve been together since last semester of course they have a bond. But the frustrating part was, whenever our professor gives an unexpected activity or announcement, we the irregular students were never informed. I gave my number to two of my classmates there, we met last Tuesday for Physical Education class and they didn’t bother telling us that there has been a change of schedule for the saturday NSTP. It turn out that we don’t have a class last Saturday and they didn’t bother to tell me that. 

I went there alone, waited for an hour, send them a message but no one replied. I just went home after an hour of waiting. This is the reason why I have trust issues, why I distance myself to people. I thought we are finally on good terms because last week they were all smiles and sometimes have a small talk. But, noooo! It was just a small pretense because we have a graded group dance and they need the cooperation of everyone. 

I’m so stupid. In the end they are nothing but outsiders. They are the kind of people I don’t want to be acquainted. I’m having a second thought on pursuing education or just change to psychology. I don’t want to be with them anymore. I’d rather be in a room full of strangers than be with a black bellied class.

Books, books…more books

I wasn’t really a bookworm to begin with, but right now, I can’t stop reading! 

I like reading books since I was a child, children’s books, pocket books and literature books. I have wattpad on my phone with a lot of books in my virtual space, different genre and such. Most of the stories I’ve read before was the classic rom-com where the lead characters would hate each other the at some point they will reconcile and slowly becomes lovey-dovey somewhere in the middle then a storm is brewing making the lead characters hate each other again or one of them has to leave the other misunderstanding the situation thinking it would be best for the both parties and somewhere near the ending they cleared the misunderstanding and becomes lovey-dovey again. It’s the typical story line in most of the stories written by aspiring writers. Since they are still young, imagination is the only limit. Those young hot blooded youths, filled with inspiration and determination makes a silent reader like me happy. 

Some of the english novels that I really like are The Maximum Ride Series by James Patterson. 

It’s about five kids being experimented in the name of science resulting them to have 98% human and 2% avian. And yes, they have wings and they are mutating, developing some extraordinary skills like hiding your presence, unbelievable eyesight, attracting metals with tha wave of her hand. A blind that can cook and a 6 year old bomb expert. I love how he descibe fang, a long black hair youth with black feathered wings and usually quiet. I am quite attracted to guys with long hair and a little silent on the outside like the world doesn’t have anything to do with him. 

I love the children’s book The View from Saturday. It’s light and relaxing since it doesn’t have the drama so I can say it’s a chill book. 

An everyday life of four  4th grade students pulled by fate to be together, four different stories of an ordinary kids that tried to make a change and how they inspire and help the people around them. How they give their teacher Mrs. Olsen (if that’s their teacher’s name I can’t remember) a lift when she feels she hit rock bottom after being bullied by students because she is crippled. I totally recommend you to try and read this, I promise it’s worthwhile.

The other books that I keep reading over and over are the books mentioned above, Nancy Drew series, Behind the Attic Door, Fire and Ice and now, chinese novels.

My friend recommended (actually she urged us) to read a light chinese novel “Gu Fang Bu Zi Shang” or A lonesome flower waiting to be appreciated. Set in the ancient china, a little like Romeo and Juliet ( since they came from each other’s enemy country). I really don’t like stories where the girl is a damsel in distress waiting for her knight and shinning armor, physically weak and fragile (ugh! Women are not that powerless). But, in this novel, Miss Bai Pingting, the main character is not someone you should trifle with. She may be physically weak but her brain is better than two heads. She is the only female military advisor in the world where men rules, where the strong survive and the weak submit. It’s love story and the stories of the supporting characters are quite cute especially her nurse Zuiji and fanlong who received an order to assassinate Bai Pingting but mistaken Zuiji as Ms. Bai because of the golden buyao. It’s the first chinese story that I’ve ever read and now I can’t stop reading chinese novel.

I’ve learned a lot from reading chinese novel like wangye, bengong, chenqie, zhen, jiejie, meimei, wulong, buyao, qin, gu qin, feng, and other chinese term that I usually see in a chinese novel I’m reading. Most of it are reincarnation, killed or died in the modern world the suddenly woke up in a different era and dimention. Some light novels are mixed with fantasy and some are just martial arts and almost all of the stories I am reading is the previous owner of the body are a trash or a good for nothing before the soul replacement and suddenly they become a genius and a peerless beauty with great cultivation and power.

Since it is historical and about soul switch it is bound to be draggy. Some light novels are 3000+ chapters, some are 8000+ chapters and still on going. It’s like an adventure where you will see how the main characters cultivate and became the strongest or reaching the pinnacle of god stage. You are part of their journey how they grow and gets stronger. Usually it’s full of revenge and deceit and overflowing with martial arts. What attracts me the most is when the female lead is dense and the male lead is being misunderstood by the female lead. I love how they feel the frustration of the male lead when they tried to express their love.

I know I drag wrote too much and it’s been a long post. It’s just that I don’t have anyone to talk to about this. My friends are working and busy and my classmates are not interested in reading chinese novel and I’m itching for someone to have a chit chat about chinese and japanese novel. Anyway thanks for stopping by 🙂

My First Time as an ESL Educator in Camp

In 2015, while I was looking for a job, I stumbled upon a job opening as an ESL teacher when browsing in manila.craigslist.com.ph. My sister and I decided to try and send in our resume. After a week, we received a response inviting us for an interview. We passed the interview and accepted the job. The winter camp will run for four weeks

November of 2015 we went to Brgy. Capipisa, Tanza, Cavite for the orientation and a week of training. Introducing the Korean culture especially their studying habit. I can say that I’m so thankful that I was born and raised here in the Philippines. The students in Korea have it tough, they have a ranking system and after school they went to academies that teaches specific subject. Sometimes they went home at 2am and wake up at 6am to prepare, then at 7 am they go to school. They have to prepare for the upcoming “Suneung” (수능). The better score they get the better university they can apply. The actual camp starts on January of 2016. They profiled me to the newly acquired client which is the scholars of the province of Geumsan ( 금산) while my sister was picked for the rich kids in Avalon. We were both in four weeks program that started in January 2016

IDEA
the people wearing violets are for Geumsan, orange shirts are for four weeks Avalon and the yellow are for 8 weeks Avalon.

My sister and I decided to be a parent teacher, it means that you can stay with the Korean kiddos in the hotel plus an additional allowance. We, the Geumsan teachers instantly became engineers, carpenters and designers; we sew the curtains too.

During the welcoming party, it is also when they assign which students will be under our care. I got 3 beautiful elementary school students at room 228.

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From left to right: Nicole (Lee Hyun Ah), Ely (Seo Ye Jin), Terry (Kim Na Yeon)

I admit it’s hard because they are still on the yellow level and we hardly understand each other too due to language barrier. The program categorizes the students as red level: zero english, yellow level: little english (They can understand a little but cannot speak english), green level: can speak and write english but cannot express well, purple level: can speak and write just need practice and the highest level, the brown level: conversant and can use proper english.

Tanza Oasis Hotel is where we stayed during the camp. The whole Geumsan group occupied 90% of the right wing of the second floor while the whole third floor was beig occupied by Avalon 4 weeks and 8 weeks.

We are not the usual classroom setting because we have a one-on-one class and group classes with maximum of four students. My subjects are Literature (Purple: Les Miserable book), Speaking class (Purple and Brown level), Reading Class (Purple level, 4 students) and Theme class (Brown Level). Basically for literature, they just have to read and finish the book in four weeks, what I did was, after every chapter, I would ask them what did they understand and narrates the chapter again with a little acting and sound effects which they love. For Speaking class, they read a paragraph, answer the questions and free talk. They just have to tell a story about a specific topic. During speaking class, I learned that my students loved spring more than winter because it’s a cool season and they have a spring vacation right after their winter vacation.

Sunday is their travel day. They went to Pagsanjan falls, Canyon cove, Enchanted Kingdom and Mall of Asia.

We were already told by our senior teachers that korean kids love choco mucho but during their trip to mall of asia, it still surprised me to see them emptying the shelves for choco mucho. They bought boxes of it almost filling their shopping cart.FB_IMG_1489487481994

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Minions, unite!
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Me playing rock-paper-scissor with Harry. I won!
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From left to right: Teacher Anjo, Steve, Teacher Peter, Jann, and Teacher Nikko
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Taho anyone?

Every Monday is our Theme day. We have a little competition and was instructed to make a morning exercise but only the students are allowed to make the steps.

They created a pretty fun steps to the tune of Payphone by Maroon 5

We use Upside Down by A*Teens. We didn’t get any special prize but we enjoyed making it.

We spend our free time taking pictures or just staying outside our hotel room and chat. Every afternoon between 1-2pm is where their club activities are being held. We have chess club, dance club, singing club, and basketball club. during this period, Parent teachers can take a rest since the other not parent teachers take over the activities. At night, between 6-9pm, Korean staffs are incharge for their night recreational activities so we have a lot of free time.

Time passes by real quick when you’re having fun. The four weeks that seems to be a long time suddenly end in a blink of an eye. Yes, we were happy and sad at the same time. Happy because we can finally go home; sad because we have to be separated with our newly acquired friends. It’s one of the highlights of my life, the experience that I will never forget. I promised myself that I will go back someday, with TESOL and IELTS certificate in hand ready to share my knowledge to others.

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Goodbye! Until next time!

Change and Adapt

I wish I could have a one on one talk with my professor. It’s easy to say “go socialize with your classmates. You should take the initiative since you are the irregular student”. I know what she means but for me, it’s really hard to “go socialize” with a group of complete strangers. They are my classmates in physical education class but I feel like a fish out of water, I feel so alien when I’m with them. They probably been together since last semester so they have a bond as a group, a very large group. I am not really comfortable being surrounded by a lot of people and yes, I consider myself as an introvert. Right after I introduce myself in front of the class, my professor suddenly said that it’s ok to be a bitch and have an attitude as long as they can pass the practical and written examination. And I was like, did she just judged me? I was convincing myself that she meant that for everyone and not just me but I can’t help myself for thinking so. I can’t just change myself and adjust in a very short period of time. I need a lot of preparation, emotionally and mentally. They probably calling me snob but really I’m not. I feel like, I have to explain myself to everyone who doesn’t know me. I have a lot of insecurities and fear like most people but I don’t really know how to handle it.

I wish I could tell her that there are different types of people, introverts and extroverts and she cannot generalise all her students. I can change and adapt to new environment and situation but in my own pace. Don’t rush me, tell me in advance so that I  can prepare myself, emotionally and mentally.